Batiendo records

Yesterday: watched 6 chapters of The Sopranos and one of Lost, read blogs, tried a little of this new Murakami which I don't know yet if I like, dragged myself to the market and dragged myself to the washing mashing to bring the clean laundry that MM started before going to New York.
And I was thinking. It's funny, you would say that all this TV shows are to avoid thinking, I'm not that sure. I always had the feeling (maybe a hope as well) that I have a sort of independent thinking device somewhere in my mind that is always working, but it's weak and with the noise of everyday life it just can't be heard. So, to watch 8 hours of TV is a sort of meditation in a way, after all.
Whatever. What the little machine thought yesterday? It's not that straightforward. The little machine is more like a question maker. Very simple questions. Like:
Question number 1 -Do I love MM?-
Let see (I'm so tempted to make this a draft forever). First, what is to love someone? There are so many shades of love, that the question itself is kind of stupid. Of course I care for him. Do I? Yes, I do.
Question number 2-Do I want to spend my life with this guy?
I could answer with something like, another stupid question because that bullshit about "my life"....What do I know who I'm going to be in ten years from now? But, then, this thing that I have of calling everything stupid it's stupid itself. It's kind diverting the focus. But we can reformulate the question to something more answerable
Question number 3-Do I want to spend next year with MM? And there is a voice there saying, kind of shouting in a high pitched voice-Yes, of course, what I'm going to do if MM is not around!!!
Well, little darling, you could be back in Argentina in a week and get a job there in a month and get a new guy in a year. And, probably start with this same process again....So, then, the answer is...I'm staying with MM because of my pessimism?
But there is another voice there, that says- We are talking, and we deeply care about each other, we are understanding each other and ourselves more and more.....And I was so in love with this guy.....